The hour of letdown (by E.B. White)

E.B. White (1899—1985) was born in ML Vernon, New York, attended Cornell University, and then worked as a journalist and editorial writer in New York City. At the age of 40, he moved to a farm in Maine, from which he has pursued a distinguished literary career.
THE HOUR OF LETDOWN
When the man came in, carrying the machine, most of us looked up from our drinks, because we had never seen anything like it before. The man set the thing down on top of the bar near the beerpulls. It took up an ungodly amount of room and you could see the bartender didn't like it any too well, having this big, ugly-looking gadget parked right there.
"Two rye-and-water," the man said.
The bartender went on puddling an Old-Fashioned that he was working on, but he was obviously turning over the request in his mind.
"You want a double?" he asked, after a bit.
"No," said the man. "Two rye-and-water, please ... ." He stared straight at the bartender, not exactly unfriendly but on the other hand not affirmatively friendly.
Many years of catering to the kind of people that come into saloons had provided the bartender with an adjustable mind. Nevertheless, he did not adjust readily to this fellow, and he did not like the machine — that was sure. He picked up a live cigarette that was idling on the edge of the cash register, took a drag out of it, and returned it thoughtfully. Then he poured two shots of rye whiskey, drew two glasses of water, and shoved the drinks in front of the man. People were watching. When something a little out of the ordinary takes place at a bar, the sense of it spreads quickly all along the line and pulls the customers together.
The man gave no sign of being the center of attention. He laid a five-dollar bill down on the bar. Then he drank one of the ryes and chased it with water. He picked up the other rye, opened a small vent in the machine (it was like an oil cup) and poured the whiskey in, and then poured the water in. 72
The bartender watched grimly. "Not funny," he said in an even voice. And furthermore, your companion takes up too much room." Why'n you put it over on that bench by the door, make more room here."
"There's plenty of room for everyone here," replied the man.
'Tain't amused," said the bartender. "Put the goddam thing over near the door like I say. Nobody will touch it."
The man smiled. "You should have seen it this afternoon," he said. "It was magnificent. Today was the third day of the tournament. Imagine it — three days of continuous brainwork! And against the top players in the country, too. Early in the game it gained an advantage; then for two hours it exploited the advantage brilliantly, ending with the opponent's king backed in a corner. The sudden capture of a knight, the neutralization of a bishop, and it was all over. You know how much money it won, all told, in three days of playing chess?"
"How much?" asked the bartender.
"Five thousand dollars," said the man. "Now it wants to let down, wants to get a little drunk."
The bartender ran his towel vaguely over some wet spots. "Take it somewheres else and get it drunk there!" he said firmly. "I got enough troubles."
The man shook his head and smiled. "No, we like it here." He pointed at the empty glasses. "Do this again, will you, please?"
The bartender slowly shook his head. He seemed dazed but dogged. "You stow the thing away," he ordered. "I'm not ladling out whiskey for jokestersmiths."
" Jokesmiths," said the machine. "The word is "jokesmiths."
A few feet down the bar, a customer who was on his third highball seemed ready to participate in this conversation to which we had all been listening so attentively. He was a middle-aged man. His necktie was pulled down away from his collar, and he had eased the collar by unbuttoning it. He had pretty nearly finished his third drink, and the alcohol tended to make him throw his support in with the underprivileged and the thirsty.
"If the machine wants another drink, give it another drink," he said to the bartender. "Let's not have haggling."
The fellow with the machine turned to his new-found friend and gravely raised his hand to his temple, giving him a salute of gratitude and fellowship. He addressed his next remark to him, as though deliberately snubbing the bartender.
"You know how it is when you're all fagged out mentally, how you want a drink?"
"Certainly do," replied the friend. "Most natural thing in the world."
There was a stir all along the bar, some seeming to side with the bartender, others with the machine group. A tall, gloomy man standing next to me spoke up.
"Another whiskey sour. Bill," he said. "And go easy on the lemon juice."
"Picric acid," said the machine, sullenly. "They don't use lemon juice in these places."
"That does it!" said the bartender, smacking his hand on the bar. "Will you put that thing away or else beat it out of here. I ain't in the mood, I tell you. I got this saloon to run and I don't want lip from a mechanical brain or "whatever the hell you've got there."
The man ignored this ultimatum. He addressed his friend, whose glass was now empty.
"It's not just that it's all tuckered out after three days of chess," he said amiably. "You know another reason it wants a drink?"
"No," said the friend. "Why?"
"It cheated," said the man.
At this remark, the machine chuckled. One of its arms dipped slightly, and a light glowed in a dial.
The friend frowned. He looked as though his dignity had been hurt, as though his trust had been misplaced. "Nobody can cheat at chess," he said. "Simpossible. In chess, everything is open and above the board. The nature of the game of chess is such that cheating is impossible."
"That's what I used to think, too," said the man. "But there is a way."
"Well, it doesn't surprise me any," put in the bartender. "The first time I laid my eyes on that crummy thing I spotted it for a crook." 74
"Two rye-and-water," said the man.
"You can't have the whiskey," said the bartender. He glared at the mechanical brain. "How do I know it ain't drunk already?"
"That's simple. Ask it something," said the man.
The customers shifted and stared into the mirror. We were all in this thing now, up to our necks. We waited. It was the bartender's move.
"Ask it what? Such as?" said the bartender.
"Makes no difference. Pick a couple big figures, ask it to multiply them together. You couldn't multiply big figures together if you were drunk, could you?"
The machine shook slightly, as though making internal preparations.
"Ten thousand eight hundred and sixty-two, multiply it by ninety-nine," said the bartender, viciously. We could tell that he was throwing in the two nines to make it hard.
The machine flickered. One of its tubes spat, and a hand changed position, jerkily.
"One million seventy-five thousand three hundred and thirty-eight," said the machine.
Not a glass was raised all along the bar. People just stared gloomily into the mirror; some of us studied our own faces, others took carom shots at the man and the machine.
Finally, a youngish, mathematically minded customer got out a piece of paper and a pencil and went into retirement. "It works out," he reported, after some minutes of calculating. "You can't say the machine is drunk! "
Everyone now glared at the bartender. Reluctantly he poured two shots of rye, drew two glasses of water. The man drank his drink. Then he fed the machine its drink. The machine's light grew fainter. One of its cranky little arms wilted.
For a while the saloon simmered along like a ship at sea in calm weather. Every one of us seemed to be trying to digest the situation, with the help of liquor. Quite a few glasses were refilled. Most of us sought help in the mirror — the court of last appeal.
The fellow with the unbuttoned collar settled his score. He walked stiffly over and stood between the man and the machine.
He put one arm around the man, the other arm around the machine. "Let's get out of here and go to a good place,"he said.
The machine glowed slightly. It seemed to be a little drunk now.
"All right," said the man. "That suits me fine. I've got my car outside."
He settled for the drinks and put down a tip. Quietly and a trifle uncertainly he tucked the machine under his arm, and he and his companion of the night walked to the door and out into the street.
The bartender stared fixedly, then resumed his light housekeeping. "So he's got his car outside," he said, with heavy sarcasm. "Now isn't that nice!"
A customer at the end of the bar near the door left his drink, stepped to the window, parted the curtains, and looked out. He watched for a moment, then returned to his place and addressed the bartender. "It's even nicer than you think," he said. "It's a Cadillac. And which one of the three of them d'ya think is doing the driving?"